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February 22, 2019

This one is for me

Man Walking, Thomas Eakins, CC0 1.0

I haven’t blogged in 7 months. A lot has happened in 7 months: We bought a house, we spent two weeks in France, I’ve built two SPA with the help of a great UX researcher/designer and a great PHP developer, and a lot more.

Things got busy, crazy, with little sleep.

But that’s not the reason why I haven’t blogged, I think. I know because I have 6 or 7 posts sitting in draft in WordPress.

So why haven’t I posted anything?

I forgot about my rules

In April of 2017, I wrote Reframing, a post about what/why I was changing on my blog. I promised myself that my blog would be more personal, sillier, and that I would write more (because I like it).

And then I had some new career aspirations and my website became an extension of my resume, again. It became less personal, it was a lot about showing stuff, proving stuff, being noticed.

Looking back there are some things I wrote that I don’t regret. I now have a portfolio—something that I had wanted to build for a while. And then there are things that make me cringe a bit, but that’s OK.

Today I’m writing this and I feel good about it.

Loving people without worrying too much about what they think

I think this is possibly the core of the issue. I want to be able to love people equally (because we are profoundly equal in essence) but I worry too much about what they might think of me. That’s why I don’t tweet as much as I used to, or write as much as I used to.

Writing (tweeting, etc.) means exposing oneself. Showing my bad side, or my weird side, or my selfish side, or my side that falls for flattery every time. Sides I don’t want people to see.

But I can’t escape my flaws and I can’t live in hiding. So I’m going to have to be out there more, and try to be myself more, respectfully.

Out there

I submitted two proposals for talks for Higher Education Web today. I’m afraid that I’ll be rejected. I’m afraid that people will realize that I don’t have anything to say, or that my achievements are really not that great.

But I need to be out there to grow, even if that means to be rejected or get my ego bruised. So this post is for me.

Man Walking, Thomas Eakins, CC0 1.0